Moms: Stay-at-Home vs. Working vs. Work-From-Home

I was raised by a full-time, stay-at-home mom.  And with three of us filling her days with school work, playdates, after-school programs, extracurricular activities, and all of the household responsibilities—I am befuddled how she was able to make a home-cooked dinner every night. Nor can I fathom how she could have squeezed in time for an additional job. There just weren't enough hours in the day. For the most part, women—if they worked—quit their jobs once they had kids to be home to raise them. There weren't many options.

So when it was my turn, I was torn.  As women today, we were raised to be career-driven, to be able to stand on our own two feet financially, to thrive and make a difference. 

 When it came to working and having a family, as much as I loved the career and work aspect of my life, I also wanted to be there for every second of my kids growing up. I didn’t want to miss a set, a word, a giggle or an owwie.  I wanted to be the ‘go to’ on every level.  Moving to Westchester to give our kids the room to grow, also meant (as all you property taxpayers know) it wasn’t the time to throw in the towel on a career that allowed me to work from home. 

People lways comment that I have the best of both worlds….but do I?  Is being a work-at-home mom advantageous. Or does it mean I've lost a sense of balance and grounding?

You know the old expression, "You don’t $#*@ where you eat"? What do you do when you work where you basically do everything else?

When you are a stay-at-home mom, your home is your domain to do everything and your kids are your full-time job. You’re lucky if you have nappers who may be gracious enough to give you breaks; but, for the most part, your day is jam-packed with the ups and downs of children, household and husband.  If you have days that come up requiring you to be sans kids, out of the house, in the company of grown-ups to talk the grown-up talk and walk the grown-up walk...you get, well, giddy.  Even if it’s the world’s most boring group of people. You are giddy about the fact that you have a day without your kids fighting, whining causing chaos or asking “Why?” It's heavenly.

But when you are a full-time mom working out of the house, you may have to silence that nagging inner feeling: “What are the kids doing?" “What are they saying?" and “What am I missing?”  It is hard; but you do, because your work is important to you as well. (But, of course, inner voices tend to be easier to shut off than real ones.)

Then, on to my predicament: the work-at-home mom. For years and years, I have had people tell me how lucky I am, and that I don’t realize how great I have it.  My day job allows me the luxury to be able to work from home. But even though I get to be a part of my kids' lives every day, it isn’t quite as luxurious or ideal as many people think.  It often becomes the worst part about staying home and working out of the house combined, unfortunately.  I have recently been wondering whether the perks of the arrangement are worth the hassles. 

When your entire life is based around the confines of your home, you somehow end up falling into a vicious cycle of never stopping.  I am always at the computer, checking my email, checking my voicemail.  At the same time, I am often somehow juggling my two munchkins.  Whether it be changing diapers, cooking, or trying to have a professional conversation over the background of toddlers dancing and yelling wildly to Jack’s Big Music Show, working from home somehow makes me wonder how I ever get anything done on any front. My head is constantly spinning and I seem always to be multi-tasking. 

I am lucky enough to thrive most under these circumstances in terms of performance; however, I am starting to (on the inside at least) lose it.  

Seeing my kids every day is incredibly rewarding; however, it also means, hysterical crying tantrums EVERY time I need to leave the house for a meeting. Tears, kicking, screaming, usually finally calm-able by use of bribery.  On two fronts this gets me: 1) Having to resort to bribery, 2) De-valuing bribery for when I REALLY need it!  

It also means, hiding in the house to avoid the tantrums when I need to be working and attending to clients. 

And let’s not forget interfering with the Nanny. Nannies to DO NOT like to be the opening act; they like to be the main show. When you swoop in with the special mommy time, special treats and all the things that usually don’t go on during the day, well, it can and more than likely will cause friction.

Plus, being there and hearing the goings on and NOT be able to participate can often be a bit heartbreaking.  But if you break this rule, then a five-minute break becomes an hour-long explanation as to WHY you have to go back to work, and the crying, and please don’t go mommy, etc, etc, etc.  On a daily basis I feel like throwing my hands up in the air and think “ARGGGGGHHHHHH."   

So where is the balance? Where and when do you put down the computer, or PDA and say my day is over? I know 9-to-5’ers don’t just leave work at their desks, and people’s heads are always spinning with way too much of everything these days.  However, how to gain balance and sanity when you do all that you do under one roof?  How long can one overstay one's welcome at a café or library?

I know this is the part of the column where I often insert some fun and cool suggestions to share with you all. But on these points. I am suggestion-less.  I struggle daily with finding some sort of peaceful coexistence between work time and kid time, without finding myself working until midnight, playing catch up and not feeling guilty that I wasn’t able to take the kids to three different play dates because work had to come first. 

As mothers and women, we all work hard at so many things. And having a full-time career on top of the full-time job of being wife and mommy...well, I guess it’s no wonder they say women rule the world.